


bruised

by Stillreadingfanfictbh



Series: Larry One Shots [4]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mild Smut, One Shot, Self-Harm, like they fuck but i don’t go into details, self harm-bruising
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:07:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25993399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stillreadingfanfictbh/pseuds/Stillreadingfanfictbh
Summary: harry is stressed after going back on tour with 1D
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Series: Larry One Shots [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2162739
Kudos: 29





	bruised

**Author's Note:**

> TW for self harm in the form of bruising & mention of cutting, if ur triggered by that stuff don’t read please

harry presses his thumbs into his boney hips until it hurts so much that it blacks out his vision a little bit. he does this again and again and again until he feels satisfied enough. his hips hurt a lot, he's not gonna lie, and he has huge black, blue, purple, even yellowing bruises scattered across his hips and even down his thighs. the press of his jeans hurt a little bit, but harry gets used to that quickly. 

he's been doing this for a while, just hitting himself and pinching himself until it bruises. sometimes it feels like it brings him back down to earth, it grounds him from the anxiety and self hatred he feels on a daily bases.

everything has just been so hard lately. first there was the corona virus, which postponed his tour for a whole year. it also postponed the 1D reunion tour for a year too. so once everyone was allowed to go out again, harry had a whole bunch of events planned, and now it doesn't feel like he has any time. not only that but it feels like he is in the spot light more now than ever before. 

and the one direction tour with his mates is very hard, harder than harry thought it would have been. harry imagined it as a bunch of friends getting together and doing their thing, but after years of doing their own things and being apart, it's hard to connect with each other and perform coherently.

so basically harry just feels bad, and stressed, and alone, and depressed. so he bruises himself until he feels something to ground himself.

and it's not like what he's doing to himself is horrible. sure he's hurting himself, but it's not like he's burning or cutting himself like some people do. he's just bruising himself up a bit. despite that, he does try his best to keep it a secret. sometimes he messes up and bruises his arms pretty badly, but they are easy to make excuses for. he's known for being pretty clumsy, so he just tells anyone who asks that he ran into the door nob or something. 

he doesn't expect to fall into bed with louis though. sure he and louis always hooked up on tour when they were younger, but they stopped that once louis grew up a bit, had a kid, and got back with eleanor (harry was bitter for a while, but some things aren't meant to be).

but now harry's and louis' lips are pressing against each other and louis has harry pressed against the door and harry moans because of the pain from louis hips presssing against his own. louis must take it as a good sign because he pushes harder. harry does his best to ignore it and focus on the pleasure he is feeling.

"bed," harry gasp into louis mouth, "bed, bed."

louis giggles and nods. he walks towards the bed taking off his top and his pants leaving him in only his underwear.

and harry's mind blanks because, yeah, you have to get naked for sex and he really wants to have sex with louis. but he has bruises, and they look pretty bad against his pale skin and louis would surly realize that they aren't accidental. he'll say something. he'll judge him. plus louis is, like, really attractive. harry is nothing compared to louis and harry feels very insecure. 

louis is digging through his bag for a condom and the lube, harry quickly takes off his clothes and slides under the covers of the bed. maybe, if harry stays under the blankets, he'll get away with this. louis won't notice. 

when louis turns he is still smiling, obviously a little excited, but his eyebrows squint a little. "you've never been one for covers, haz."

harry pulls on his best actors grin and acts nonchalant by saying, "i've changed, lou, just fuck me, yeah?"

louis almost pouts, but walks over to the bed and slides under the covers with him, "wanna see you though."

"maybe next time," harry whispers because louis face is close to his again. harry knows that there may not be a next time, not anytime soon anyways. this has to be a one time thing. louis is still with eleanor, the boys can't find out, all of this is risky as it is. 

"maybe." louis whispers back, his lips gliding against harry's neck. louis runs his hands down harry's chest, to his hips, his prick, and down down down.

louis fingers him open and all things considering he's rather gentle with harry, which is much appreciated because harry hasn't fucked a guy in a while, and he assumes louis is in the same boat.

"i'm ready," harry gasp after a while, "c'mon lou just fuck me. please."

louis nods, clearly ready to get it going too. he doesn't think twice before pressing into harry. they both gasp and it's quite honestly the best sex harry has had in the better part of two years. 

they both finish pretty quickly, louis actually seems quite embarrassed about it, but harry is quick to assure him that it was great. 

"i'll get us a wet washcloth to wipe us down, yeah?" louis says.

always the gentleman, louis kisses harry's cheek and rolls out of bed slipping on his boxers and walking to the bathroom. he comes back with a wet rag. before harry can even think about it in his post orgasm haze, louis pushes the covers out of the way showing harry in his naked form.

he's bruised and broken and he has some come on his stomach and louis is just standing there, staring at him.

harry doesn't know how long it takes for him to react, but he quickly tugs the covers back over him. he pushes himself up against the headboard and brings his knees up against his chest, the come still drying on his stomach. it's gross. he's gross.

louis cheeks and chest get red, as they do when he's upset, "so that's why you wanted the covers."

harry nods, not willing to look him in the eyes. harry is embarrassed and ashamed. everything was so good, they were fine, and harry could have ruined the dynamics of everything. 

"do you..." louis pauses and clears his throat, "you did that to yourself?"

"yeah," harry is practically whispering, "i'm sorry that... i didn't want you to see it. we were having a good time and i ruined it. it's not that bad i swear, you can forget about it. you don't have to worry, it's my thing."

louis cuts off harry's rambling with a glare, "so you really expect me not to worry harry? you're hurting yourself."

"i'm just your hookup, lou. you don't have to get involved in my issues." harry bites back, getting a little heated. louis is making it seem like what he's doing is a horrible, life threatening thing and it's not. 

louis looks away from harry, "i like to think of you as more than a hookup, haz. you're my friend, when did you start doing this shit?"

harry scoffs, "i'm your friend? really? you only talk to me when you're 'on a break' with eleanor. we aren't friends, we are just band mates who fuck."

louis huffs and stands up off the bed, he tosses the wet wash cloth at harry and leaves the room. it's louis own hotel room, though, so he'll have to come back eventually.

harry must have offended louis, but harry is offended too. louis has no right to act this way, sure in the beginning of one direction louis and harry were really close, but ever since the first time they had sex it's even more about that than about an actual friendship or relationship. louis and harry have never gotten involved in each other's issues, they prefer to ignore their problems rather than talk about them. 

also harry can't help but feel bitter sometimes about louis just coming to him for sex. over the last six years away from one direction harry has realized how toxic his thing with louis was, he's had healthy relationships since then and seen how great they are. harry is a little disappointed in himself for falling into his same old habits.

harry cleans his stomach with a sigh and climbs out of the bed slipping on his own clothes. should he stay and wait for louis to come back and talk to him about things or should he go back to his own room and avoid the whole situation?

harry grabs his things and leaves, avoiding the healthy route. he sinks his elbows into his thighs that night so hard the breath gets knocked out of him.

-

the tension between louis and harry is all too familiar to the other two boys of the band. liam thought that they would have grown up a bit in six years, and he is quite fed up with them.

"okay what the fuck is wrong with you guys?" liam asks after sound check, he looks pretty pissed.

harry and louis do their best to avoid each other, and they try their best to make it not seem obvious but sound check today was especially tense, especially since before it their management basically told harry and louis they need to communicate with each other more in public because the fans think that there is something wrong. harry tried to talk and joke with louis on stage and louis basically ignored him. then louis gripped harry's hip especially hard as if to say he hasn't forgotten. it left a frown on harry's face the rest of the sound check. 

"whatever do you mean, liam?" louis ask, sarcastic per usual.

"i mean that you guys need to get your shit together!" liam exclaims, "we all agreed that this tour was good and that we all matured enough to handle another tour. we agreed that this tour would be about having fun and giving back to the fans, but you guys have been ignoring each other for weeks and the fans think we all fucking hate each other!"

niall stands on the side, he hums like he agrees with liam but he's never been one for confrontation so he doesn't say much.

harry and louis scoff, almost in sync. liam rolls his eyes, and mutters, "just fucking deal with your problems."

liam walks out, probably out to the car waiting to pick them up for a small meal before the show in a few hours.

harry sighs and gives louis a long look, then looks back at niall who hasn't followed liam yet but clearly wants to, "can you just bring some food for me back please? i think i'll stay here."

"yeah, me too." louis says back, quietly like he doesn't want to stay but knows he probably should.

niall nods, he walks up to the boys and pats them on the back, "deal with your shit. fuck it out. i don't care, just get better. see you later."

harry and louis bid him goodbye, then sit in silence for a hot minute. they are both awkward and harry is ashamed that he's let it get this far. louis is still upset that harry self harms and isn't willing to even talk to him about it.

louis is the first one to speak, "i'm sorry for being an asshole."

harry sighs and nods, "me too. i'm sorry you, like... i'm sorry i've made you worried and upset."

louis frowns, "i wish you could open up to me about this, about the bruising, you obviously aren't talking to anyone about it. you are actually hurting yourself harry."

harry tries his hardest to stay calm, "we've never talked to each other about the important things, louis, so i'm sorry i don't want to open up."

"you won't open up because you think i just use you for sex then?" louis asks, clearly still offended, attitude seeping through his words.

"what else am i supposed to think? that you actually care about me and want the best for me?" harry sighs, "i know you're a good person and you would never intentionally hurt me, but the fucking me and not talking to me for days after hurts. don't pretend you never noticed, you were always too focused on eleanor or freddie or some other thing."

louis frowns, "i just wanted it to be easy for us. talking about it and making it a big deal would have made it hard for us. it would have gotten feelings involved."

"feelings were involved!" harry exclaims, resisting the urge to throw his arms into the air, "i was in love with you before the hiatus. it hurt to see you do your on and off this with eleanor, it hurt knowing i was second choice to her. i'm still fucking bitter about it."

louis rubs his hands over his face, "why did you let me fuck you again then? why didn't you fucking tell me, like seven years ago? i wouldn't have started anything if i knew this was such a big deal to you."

harry rolls his eyes, he wonders if louis realizes how much of an asshole he sounds right now. is he blaming this on harry? 

but maybe this is harry's fault, if he had told louis about his feelings maybe they could have stopped all of this a while ago. maybe they could have even been friends instead of a hookup, but harry likes hooking up with louis, even if it wasn't that often. harry was too selfish to give it up. maybe harry was the manipulator here, not louis. 

or maybe they were both at fault. maybe they're both fucked up.

"i'm sorry," harry voice cracks and tears spring in his eyes, "i should have just fucking told you. i feel lik— like did i manipulate you into having sex with me? because i like you so much maybe i did... you were always so upset because of eleanor when we had sex i should have said no i'm sorry. and now we hooked up again on this tour and everything is fucked up and i'm dragging you into my issues i'm sorry. everything is my fault i fuck everything up i'm sorry."

"stop rambling, haz." louis says gently, attitude completely changing. he scoots closer to harry and brings his hands up to harry's eyes to wipe his tears, "i'm not blaming you for anything. we are both consenting adults, it was just sex. i should have realized that feelings would get involved i don't blame you for that. if anything all of this is my fault."

louis voice cracks a little too, "i used you as a distraction. i'm the horrible one here."

harry shakes his head and sighs, "we'll get nowhere just blaming ourselves."

they are silent again, both of them just processing things.

"are you," louis sounds awkward, "are you, like, still in love with me?"

harry doesn't quite know how to respond. over the last six years away from one direction harry has had plenty of time to get over louis, and in a way he has, but being on tour with louis again has brought all of those feelings back. however, harry has grown up a bit and realized that louis and harry will never be, so he kind of did get over him. 

"no, i'm not in love with you anymore." harry says, there's no reason to not be honest, "but i'm definitely still attracted to you."

louis lets out what seems to be a sigh of relief, leaving harry pretty confused until louis says, "you know i broke up with eleanor a while ago?"

this leaves harry shocked, because no he didn't know. they still go out, like, all the time.

"i'm still like, seeing her because she's a friend and it was a mutual thing," louis explains, he doesn't seem to upset about it but he does seem a little uncomfortable about it.

"why did you break up?" harry asks.

louis runs his hands through his hair, and looks away from harry nervously, "well, i'm like, gay."

harry squints, not really processing because obviously he's gay, he fucked harry. then harry's mind catches up and realizes that, yeah, bisexual is a thing. harry feels like an asshole. 

all harry says is, "oh."

"i really hated that part of me." louis says, "obviously i know that i've liked guys for a long time, but i wrote it off as bisexual so that i could still be with a girl, like a "normal" relationship that i could show off, and i could still occasionally fuck boys."

louis sighs, he's got a light blush and he can't bring himself to even look harry in the eyes like he's ashamed, "like everyone time i fucked a guy i really hated myself. that's why everything with you was so weird, i guess. it's why i avoided you after we'd fuck. i couldn't stay away from you for long. i obviously had some things to deal with over the hiatus. being away from you gave me some clarity. and, like, i don't know, i've always felt a little guilt about how i treated you. that's why i was so offended when you called me a hookup, because it's true. it took me to long to realize that that's what i've done to us."

it's like a dam breaking before harry's eyes, louis is opening up like he's never seen him before.

"and i just kept going back to eleanor because she was safe, she was normal and i needed that." louis says, "so over the past couple of years, after mum and fiz died, i decided that i really needed to do some soul searching. i wanted to be someone my family would be proud of, and i couldn't be that person until i was proud of myself."

louis voice cracks and he starts crying, but he continues to talk, "i realized i didn't like girls at all and i cheated on eleanor a bunch. eleanor is an angel, really, she's dealt with my shit from the beginning, and even now she is supporting me and helping me through."

it's harry's turn to comfort louis, "i'm so sorry you were going through all of that, lou."

"it's also why i was so upset about your self harm." louis says quietly, "because i hurt myself too, right after the hiatus it was just so much and i cut myself and, i mean i've stopped since then, but i can't imagine you going to through that."

harry's breath catches in his throat. louis cut himself. intentionally. he doesn't know why it hurts him so much that louis cut himself, but when harry bruises himself he acts like it no big deal.

harry pulls louis into his arms and they stay silent for a while, just holding each other. they must have fallen asleep, because less than an hour later liam and niall come back to find them in the same position. niall places the food in the coffee table in front of them.

"they must have talked it out," liam whispers with a soft smile.

**Author's Note:**

> i was gonna add more but i got bored, might fuck around and add part two if i feel like it


End file.
